Sweet Regrets

For Becky.

The speaker muffles low tones and sweet cords.

It’s not enough to veer my mind back to the page.

I’ve been fighting against the trouble with memories

Swimming up from the depths of my heart.

Missing you hurts,

When the books on my shelf

Mirror your own;

We could have had a book club.

Writing is painful,

When I know you can’t read my stories;

I wanted you to be my fan.

You could have read my first book.

Arguments hurt more,

When I can’t call you about your son.

You always had my side;

You can’t lecture him anymore.

Childless and broken,

How can I ever be a mom,

When you are gone?

You could have held our baby.

Songs repeat this pattern of thoughts,

Slipping me into another box of tissues,

When I realize,

You were the mom I always wanted.

Words don’t fill the page

Like my soul’s secret,

Leaving my lips:

I love you.