April 6, 2023
Today marks a significant amount of time in the depths of change. It is a deeply seeded rooting of old habits and they grow back like weeds. I worry that the new seeds will be smothered over time by them. It is significantly more difficult lately to push on ahead to new and lighter skies. Because I live in Alaska, spring just hasn’t quite sprung yet. That is causing me great impatience. I heard it is snowing today and it was eighty-five degrees in Pennsylvania yesterday; I’m hibernating through April. If only I could hibernate without any negative effects to my account balance.
Lately, besides the monotonous amount of snow left unmelted outside, I have been plagued with a question, “What are you seeking?” In that respect, I don’t really think about much besides the standard benefits. What do I want my end result to look like? I guess it’s hard to get there if I don’t know where the acceptable “there” is for me. Walking through the natural steps of change requires more than checking boxes. When I fall back into my old ways, it’s shameful and I feel overwhelmed by guilt. But those thoughts separate me from my peace and joy. Why then do I let my feelings overcome my choices? What feelings do I want to feel?
At times, if I had it my way, I wouldn’t want to feel anything at all. I know that way of thinking is not a good one. I do want to feel lighter and to feel free of the things that weigh me down or plague me. I want to be able to tie my shoes without great effort and do my regular house chores without being sore after I’m done. I also don’t want to have anxiety or a mind clouded with countless negative thoughts: I want to be at peace. Joy should be at the forefront and nothing should get me down and in despair. If I could accomplish even a part of these feelings, I think I would be better.
I’m learning about not just to feel or be better, but also about how we infect others with how we are feeling. I am aware of how often I absorb emotions from others and it can be quite exhausting; I’m an emotional sponge. I am a deeply sensitive person and I can only imagine how others feel when I am anxious.
There is so much to learn about good changes in our attitudes and physical health. Perfectionism is its own beast, so I need to make sure to breathe every once in a while and be okay with making mistakes. Change is never easy and never perfect.