April 6, 2023

Today marks a significant amount of time in the depths of change.  It is a deeply seeded rooting of old habits and they grow back like weeds.  I worry that the new seeds will be smothered over time by them.  It is significantly more difficult lately to push on ahead to new and lighter skies.  Because I live in Alaska, spring just hasn’t quite sprung yet.  That is causing me great impatience.  I heard it is snowing today and it was eighty-five degrees in Pennsylvania yesterday; I’m hibernating through April.  If only I could hibernate without any negative effects to my account balance.

Lately, besides the monotonous amount of snow left unmelted outside, I have been plagued with a question, “What are you seeking?”  In that respect, I don’t really think about much besides the standard benefits.  What do I want my end result to look like?  I guess it’s hard to get there if I don’t know where the acceptable “there” is for me.  Walking through the natural steps of change requires more than checking boxes.  When I fall back into my old ways, it’s shameful and I feel overwhelmed by guilt.  But those thoughts separate me from my peace and joy.  Why then do I let my feelings overcome my choices?  What feelings do I want to feel?

At times, if I had it my way, I wouldn’t want to feel anything at all.  I know that way of thinking is not a good one.  I do want to feel lighter and to feel free of the things that weigh me down or plague me.  I want to be able to tie my shoes without great effort and do my regular house chores without being sore after I’m done.  I also don’t want to have anxiety or a mind clouded with countless negative thoughts: I want to be at peace.  Joy should be at the forefront and nothing should get me down and in despair.  If I could accomplish even a part of these feelings, I think I would be better.

I’m learning about not just to feel or be better, but also about how we infect others with how we are feeling.  I am aware of how often I absorb emotions from others and it can be quite exhausting; I’m an emotional sponge.  I am a deeply sensitive person and I can only imagine how others feel when I am anxious.  

There is so much to learn about good changes in our attitudes and physical health.  Perfectionism is its own beast, so I need to make sure to breathe every once in a while and be okay with making mistakes.  Change is never easy and never perfect.  

Beatrix