If I were to say fear is a constant friend, that is a bad friend and I need to give that up. I do not like being afraid and I can’t honestly put a number to how many times fear has held me back. Nearly every day that I have been on vacation, I have wanted to write, but I don’t. I am struggling with a story and for some reason I think avoiding it is a great idea. I keep thinking my story is terrible and there is no way for me to get into it again. I am afraid all of my hundreds of pages are bad. Logically, it is a rough draft, so it will be bad. I can’t shake myself out of it. Not only do I have this fear, I also have anxiety.
Anxiety, the bedfellow of fear, is a constant state of being for me when my to-do lists are long, my stories aren’t finished, I can’t lose weight, I fail at my goals, and my budget doesn’t include hiding away for months. I am on vacation and last night I actually felt anxiety about not going to work like everyone else. In my mind I thought, “What if they text me and need me for work?” I know that’s not going to happen, but it could. If I can’t even be on my staycation, what am I doing? Why do I let all of these little detestable thoughts cause me anxiety and fearfulness? Pressing play on the remote or controller is much easier than dealing with these bad friends, instead of working on it.
Thinking about these unwelcome thoughts, I am reminded that thoughts are powerful. Instead of letting my mind be crowded with fearful and anxious thoughts, I could spend my time changing my negative thoughts to positive ones, like my red velvet nightgown is comfortable and my coffee smoothie is delicious. The lights in my room blink colors that match the blue of my ceiling light, making me feel relaxed. My desk is organized and mostly clean of dust. I get to spend time relaxing in my warm home while the winter wind blows and snow covers the land below my window. How I dreamed of this time to wander through writing images of comfort and colorful scenes: I think I am starting to feel better.