Fear and Anxiety

If I were to say fear is a constant friend, that is a bad friend and I need to give that up.  I do not like being afraid and I can’t honestly put a number to how many times fear has held me back. Nearly every day that I have been on vacation, I have wanted to write, but I don’t.  I am struggling with a story and for some reason I think avoiding it is a great idea. I keep thinking my story is terrible and there is no way for me to get into it again.  I am afraid all of my hundreds of pages are bad.  Logically, it is a rough draft, so it will be bad.  I can’t shake myself out of it.  Not only do I have this fear, I also have anxiety.

Anxiety, the bedfellow of fear, is a constant state of being for me when my to-do lists are long, my stories aren’t finished, I can’t lose weight, I fail at my goals, and my budget doesn’t include hiding away for months.  I am on vacation and last night I actually felt anxiety about not going to work like everyone else.  In my mind I thought, “What if they text me and need me for work?”  I know that’s not going to happen, but it could.  If I can’t even be on my staycation, what am I doing?  Why do I let all of these little detestable thoughts cause me anxiety and fearfulness?  Pressing play on the remote or controller is much easier than dealing with these bad friends, instead of working on it.  

Thinking about these unwelcome thoughts, I am reminded that thoughts are powerful.  Instead of letting my mind be crowded with fearful and anxious thoughts, I could spend my time changing my negative thoughts to positive ones, like my red velvet nightgown is comfortable and my coffee smoothie is delicious.  The lights in my room blink colors that match the blue of my ceiling light, making me feel relaxed.  My desk is organized and mostly clean of dust.  I get to spend time relaxing in my warm home while the winter wind blows and snow covers the land below my window.  How I dreamed of this time to wander through writing images of comfort and colorful scenes: I think I am starting to feel better.

Writing Anxiety…Again

Often I find myself caught in the clutches of writing anxiety.  The thought of turning on my computer and writing about my experiences freezes me on the spot.  The rush I get from streaming a tv show to block the discomfort, is enough to make me forget what I love to do: write.  I realize how long it has been since I created a post and I am disappointed in my own lack of effort.  I used to use writing to process all of my dark raging emotions, now I turn to romantic asian dramas or quaint murder mysteries.  Mentally, I put myself down for not progressing in my books or putting in effort; it is an unhealthy habit.  I know I can write, because others have read my stories and can’t wait to read the next part.  I was about to write a poem today, but I decided to share in this form.  I may go through long periods of time filled with dread when it comes to writing, but it doesn’t make me any less of a writer.  The same goes for any of you who experience writing avoidance.  Sometimes it just takes a small paragraph posted to a safe community of writers to carry us to the next piece.

Writing Anxiety

I’m deep in my writing: my heart’s racing, my ideas are flowing, then I get anxiety. My finger tremors over the letter “F”. My brain jumps to my flaws and it’s like I’m standing on moving blocks in a puzzle room. I jump from flaw to flaw, keeping pace with the rythm so I don’t fall into the endless pit below. Each flash triggers another moving piece: from failures, to embarassment, then to my weight. I linger on my weight like my attention onto a crash scene: I can’t help pausing to watch the mad hero rush. But there is no hero here; I have to save myself. I slowly breathe in a little air for the pockets of disappointment to fill with the Saturday night Alaska sun.

Cool and calm in a tank top now; the sweater discarded onto the bed. Every movement slows to the pace of my tired brain. Fog envelopes my mind. All that’s left to do is to lay down, then let the bedroom ease me to sleep.