I put on jeans for the first time today in who knows how long.  Did they fit?  Absolutely not!  The pants are too tight in the legs and my back end is too expanded to fit into these supposed stretchy pants.  Also, I probably gained about thirty pounds, and then some, since the last time I put them on.  Am I going to buy new ones that fit?  No!  I am going to do what every overweight person ever does when their clothes don’t fit them: try to lose weight. 

Losing weight is a lost cause you said?  Well, you’re right!  Why the heck are we always trying to lose weight to fit into our clothes we once wore?  You know the ones I am talking about.  The ones in the back or even the front of the closet.  Whether they are motivating you to stick to your goals or a dark secret you’d like to hide away and forget about, you still keep them.   Why do we do that?  I’ll tell you why!  We have good memories of a time when we were at a more acceptable weight.  But let me ask you, did you really accept your weight back then?  I know I didn’t!  We all have many different reasons for this, but I will tell you mine:  marketing, marketing, and more marketing. 

It can’t be all marketing, you say!  Well, you’ve got a point.  But, let me tell you what marketing has specifically done for me.  Every time I see a beautiful thin woman on a tv show or an ad, I think, “Man, I need to lose weight.”  Inevitably, I am comparing all parts of my body to that actor.  I can’t help it!  I look at her clothes, hairstyle, makeup and think, “Why can’t I look like that?”  Yeah, why can’t we look like that!  I proceed to take stock of what I own and if I even know how to put on makeup or curl my hair (two things I most definitely never do unless I have a job interview or dress up for Halloween).  I get about two seconds of wanting to change my life then realize all the hard work and motivation it would take, so I grab the nearest chocolate and eat that instead.  I cry at the insanity of it all and think about all the times I tried and failed to keep the weight off.  Then I think of how hard it must be for an actor in the spotlight.  It has to be!  Have you ever seen how the paparazzi finds the “worst” unkempt photos of the same people on the tv?  They are brutal!   But you know what?  We are the paparazzi of ourselves!  

We put all that pressure on ourselves to look good on our own screens, too.  Did you ever have a great time at a celebration, whether it be Christmas or some fun romantic date with your special someone, where you took so many photos to commemorate the occasion?  Then you look back through the camera rolls and your smile starts to sag at how you look in those photos and you forget that you even had fun at all?  I hear ya!  I like to lock myself away to avoid dressing up and embarrassing myself after looking at my swollen face or larger form.   

Each morning we take stock of what we look like in the mirror.  Heck, I always check the full-length mirror in my bedroom.  I wear whatever fits and is comfortable for my job, but I know I can do better for myself.  I don’t actually like wearing work-out tights with a long hoodie to work all the time.  I miss wearing my jeans.  Yes, none of them fit quite right, but it’s what I like to wear.  I keep telling myself that I don’t deserve to dress the way I really want to because I am too big and I never look right in the clothes that I like.  But that’s bogus!  Every day is a gift and a choice.  I need to choose to be who I am with acceptance and understanding.  I may take these jeans off after an hour, but at least I had that time to remember that I am not just the “blob” I think I am: I am a woman who likes to wear jeans!  It might be hard to find the right size or cut, but if it’s something I really want, then I need to go get it, regardless of my size!  My insides are full of the good stuff that matters and the outside just gets me where I need to go.  Am I going to wear clothes that I don’t like, or am I going to dress like the rock chick, bohemian vibed, cozy nerd/geek that I am?  Well…let’s start with the jeans.  

Kayla Rome (Jean Rockin’)